Something's missing...

In last few months my life has been going through some wierd changes and it is starting to make me wonder what is in store for the next few months. I feel am at a cross roads.Have you ever been at a cross road and confused on what direction to take? Do you feel like something is just missing in your life but you just can not put a finger on it ? Im exactly going through this phase. There always seems to be something missing that makes my life look nice, but incomplete. You know what I mean. I had this sense over the weekend.

John mayer- " Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all "

Me Me Me time !

Me-time

"Me-time" -- a good friend suggested this term once..

There's this interesting piece of conversation that happens so often with me, on various occasions, when I'm with friends, or whoever

"Hey, what are you doing? Let's go some where / do some thing.."
Me: "Nah....."
"Why? What are you doing?"
Me: "Well.. nothing much.. just wanna spend time with myself."
"Are you fine? Is there something?" (with the 'concern' in tone)
Me: "No. I'm fine. Just generally wanna be with myself. That's it.."
(Silent pause..) "Ok. Take care." (with emphasis on the 'take care' part ;))
And then, I get those "??!?!" looks - I'm still to exactly figure out what they mean.. never really bothered to ask (don't know why)...

Well, I often wonder why this kind of reaction??
Why is it not-so-common (or, is 'weird' the word here ??) to just simply be with yourself and enjoy one's own company, like one enjoys being with friends, etc?

I love being with myself... and I can spend hours with myself... and I really enjoy my company! (ha ha.. there goes modesty for a hike ;)..).
Oh BTW, I'm not a nut case ;).

Perceptions

There are different things that can make you laugh. There are people who are just funny and crack jokes to make you laugh and then others who you laugh at bcuz of how ridiculous they are. What the hell am I talking about?? Good question. It's all perception!

A million dollar question --Can anyone tell me why the comment made by Jungli (Yeah the guy who created an id just to post HIS COMMENTS on me ..oh wait ?! did someone talk about implementing the stuff you say ?! lol) , DELETED in the post below , by Jungli himself ?! ) Lesser end ..U ROCK ! And i cant stop laughing man ! How do u frame stuff like that ?! LOL !!

Weird eh ?!

The other day AK happened to read my blog and goes " weird blog tho i related to it in some weird way. The words are permetuated in such a manner that they are gramatically correct and convey the message but the average reader wud take time to comprehend it " ..and im like lol really ?! Acutally anyone would take time to comprehend it ! I've been having readers who've been trying to take all possible negative meanings out of it.Obviously they've done more -ve than +ve in their past so i guess thats how their brain works ,that is what saddists are all about! I had a good laugh at them yesterday , should have seen the huge smile pasted on face...i mean i cudnt wipe it off...! Lol ! NR this onez for you..MUAH !! :x

Weekend !

I had an amazing weekend.Forget weekEND, the entire week was good. Apart from that ,CS came over to my place for a night stay and we had this blissfully wonderful conversations through out that night. It started with CS talking about Scooby and what state they're actually in and the amount of strength it takes for you to move on from all.Then it went on with the same old shyt with SR, on and on for hours and later, it started with mine.Sometimes there are this unexplained feelings that you go through and you just dont know how to put forth,and without me actually saying anything, she just understands EXACTLY what it is and then she puts forth for me and im like DANG ! YEAH ! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN !! She's this person who will shut up and listen to all what I have to say and then just get it n hold me.I just love that in her ! You know, everyone has a completely contradictory picture of yourself to the world whilst feeling something completely different on the inside and THAT she knows.Your wondeful ! Im blessed to know you.

So be it .

I've decided to turn the page into a new chapter in the book of my life.

There are things in life that happen to each of us. Things we can never talk about cuz whatever we say it will never do it justice and whatever they say they will never get it. Truth is that it is your life and no one else needs to "get it". It would be nice for the people who claim to love you to understand you - or better yet - to want to understand you but, that too, is an ideal. I guess many of us live in a fantasy of love, acceptance, understanding, etc because there are some that are lucky enough to get it and because it's easier living life believing in something better than what reality is.

I have decided that things happen. Most of it is out of our control. And it is just better to let it go. There's a time for walking that extra step and there is a time for stepping back and just closing it all away in the closet in your own mind.

Some say it's all about how you walk away - your behavior and how you handle the situation as you leave - you say your final goodbyes. Some say it's about how things are throughout the duration - how you handle situations while there, involved, faced day in and day out.

I say it is definitely the latter. Yes, it makes a difference in the way a person finally says goodbye but, not enough to counteract the way they were throughout. Sometimes you have just had enough and when you say goodbye you think it's better to just leave things be - cut and dry - simple. Lingering only hurts. Seperation is personal, the agony, the pain, or the lack thereof isn't something you want to share.

I've always been about trying and trying til I have nothing left to give and then cutting my losses and walking away. Depending on how you treated me while there just makes me want to say hello occassionally or be repulsed by the thought of you.

I feel as though I need to find a middle ground and find a means to feel less invested in a situation so as to save myself much hassle.

Right now I am all about myself and what I need, I haven't even thought about being with someone else let alone actually being there. I've drowned myself in me. I feel like it's the most important thing now. No one matters anymore. Nothing anyone has done matters. None of it is enough to bring me down. Break me apart, or even hurt me anymore. The useless are cut off, the useful are kept around and friends are good no matter what form they come in - keeps you entertained for those moments you don't want to be alone.

After enough ppl slap you around enough times you step back and take a hard look inside and say, "Why the fuck am I even accepting this kind of behaviour? Fuck that! I'm worth more to me and I will do right by me even if that leaves me alone. So be it."

I realized today, that in all the time I have spent trying I have lost too much. I was to have passed two major hurdles in MY life which ended up on a backburner. I put all my efforts into something that I shouldn't have. And no one else is to blame but me. These milestones will either make me or break me and it's not going to make a stitch of a difference in anyone else's life whether I make it or not.