So be it .

I've decided to turn the page into a new chapter in the book of my life.

There are things in life that happen to each of us. Things we can never talk about cuz whatever we say it will never do it justice and whatever they say they will never get it. Truth is that it is your life and no one else needs to "get it". It would be nice for the people who claim to love you to understand you - or better yet - to want to understand you but, that too, is an ideal. I guess many of us live in a fantasy of love, acceptance, understanding, etc because there are some that are lucky enough to get it and because it's easier living life believing in something better than what reality is.

I have decided that things happen. Most of it is out of our control. And it is just better to let it go. There's a time for walking that extra step and there is a time for stepping back and just closing it all away in the closet in your own mind.

Some say it's all about how you walk away - your behavior and how you handle the situation as you leave - you say your final goodbyes. Some say it's about how things are throughout the duration - how you handle situations while there, involved, faced day in and day out.

I say it is definitely the latter. Yes, it makes a difference in the way a person finally says goodbye but, not enough to counteract the way they were throughout. Sometimes you have just had enough and when you say goodbye you think it's better to just leave things be - cut and dry - simple. Lingering only hurts. Seperation is personal, the agony, the pain, or the lack thereof isn't something you want to share.

I've always been about trying and trying til I have nothing left to give and then cutting my losses and walking away. Depending on how you treated me while there just makes me want to say hello occassionally or be repulsed by the thought of you.

I feel as though I need to find a middle ground and find a means to feel less invested in a situation so as to save myself much hassle.

Right now I am all about myself and what I need, I haven't even thought about being with someone else let alone actually being there. I've drowned myself in me. I feel like it's the most important thing now. No one matters anymore. Nothing anyone has done matters. None of it is enough to bring me down. Break me apart, or even hurt me anymore. The useless are cut off, the useful are kept around and friends are good no matter what form they come in - keeps you entertained for those moments you don't want to be alone.

After enough ppl slap you around enough times you step back and take a hard look inside and say, "Why the fuck am I even accepting this kind of behaviour? Fuck that! I'm worth more to me and I will do right by me even if that leaves me alone. So be it."

I realized today, that in all the time I have spent trying I have lost too much. I was to have passed two major hurdles in MY life which ended up on a backburner. I put all my efforts into something that I shouldn't have. And no one else is to blame but me. These milestones will either make me or break me and it's not going to make a stitch of a difference in anyone else's life whether I make it or not.